Fellow figurists, for some reason the McArthur genius checks haven’t arrived yet. Therefore Figaro, who is perfectly qualified for a life of leisure, nonetheless must go out and make some money. He’ll be on the road for the next week, and will wrestle down some figures whenever he can. Meanwhile, please send Figaro your personal rhetorical questions for quick answers. Here’s a sample from the Ask Figaro part of our site, just to prove that rhetoric can do darn near anything for you.
Dear Fig,
i really like your figures but im a high school student and girls dont like guys with big, uh, vocabularies. i graduate next year tho and hope to get into an ivy league school. think the females will fall for my figures then?
“Frank”
Dear “Frank”,
Does putting quotation marks around “Frank” still make you Frank?
As for figures attracting females, I give you Gorgias, a famous Greek Sophist back in the day. (You can call him “Gorgeous.”) He once gave a mock defense of babelicous Helen of Troy’s infidelity. She was innocent, he said, because her lover “drugged” her with figures of speech and other rhetorical mind-benders.
In short, Homerian babes go for us rhetorical types. So do word-wonky women. Figaro himself has been hit on many times — well, twice — by highly intelligent, probably beautiful Figaristas.
So do well in your SATs, brush up your chiasmus and anadiplosis, your hyperbaton and your tasis. (And capitalize your I’s. Women like fully grown egos.) Do exactly as Figaro says and the chromosomally endowed will beat a path to your dormitory door.
Yrs,
Figaro
P.S. Also pre-order my book. It’s full of seduction.