Figaro is taking a break from being an egghead and showing smart people how to argue or just be witty. Meanwhile every few seconds some moronic nonsense goes as viral as a cat video. So let’s go viral!
I shall now state the obvious. Feel free to add your own.
The Obvious
Because Somebody Has to State It
By Jay Heinrichs
On Common Wisdom:
The more things change, the more people wish they wouldn’t.
Laughter isn’t the best medicine. That’s medicine’s job.
A watched pot actually does boil, usually the moment you look away.
There are better ways of knowing someone than walking around in their shoes.
A man’s home isn’t his castle, unless it’s an actual castle.
There’s no such thing as an ill wind. Wind doesn’t get sick. You can have an unhealthy wind, though, which sucks.
When you smile, only some of the world will smile with you. The rest will wonder why you’re smiling, or just hate you.
If you scratch someone else’s back, your own back won’t feel any better.
Sometimes where there’s smoke, there’s not much fire. Hardly any at all.
On Health:
When you’ve got your health, you’ve got everything. Except possibly money, or friends.
Diets actually work great. They make some people millions.
Sitting in a chair all the time makes you really bad at not sitting.
On Sex:
When people say “Screw it,” they’re not really suggesting anything.
I don’t know why people ask “How was it?” after sex. The question should be “How is it?” before anything else happens.
If you have sex with an animal, it won’t be able to tell you how it felt.
A man with a long foot usually has a long other foot.
Cars aren’t sexy. I mean, that’s perverted.
On Science:
When you swat a fly, you kill one of God’s creatures. That’s one less fly, on the other hand.
Nature doesn’t care if you mess it up; it just makes different nature. The kind humans won’t live in.
If mermaids existed, they’d be slimy.
On Sports:
Pornography and professional sports both mean watching other people have fun, or pretend to.
On Politics:
A conservative is somebody who likes to annoy liberals. A liberal is somebody who gets annoyed by conservatives.
People who want to defend marriage shouldn’t try to prevent marriages. They should try to prevent divorces.
A candidate who has been successful at business has proven that he can be successful at business.
I don’t know why liberals want to call themselves “progressives.” Most people like liberal helpings, but who goes to progressive dinners?
People who think the government’s budget is just like a household budget must have a bigger Pentagon than mine.
In General:
A gift made by hand has been touched more than one made by a machine.
Don’t really want someone to have a nice day? Just tell them to have a day.
What makes a tautology boring is that it’s just a tautology.
The best lessons are the ones you remember.