In Barry’s Fall, We Sinned All

Quote:  "To me you never existed in the pantheon of baseball, you never hit more than 700 home runs, you never hit 73 home runs." Hal McCoy in the Dayton Daily News.

Figure of Speech:  asyndeton (a-SYN-de-ton), the conjunction skipper; also anaphora (an-AH-phor-a), the first-word repeater; also apodioxis (a-po-dee-OX-is), the figure of banishment.

If you can’t get enough of figures (and who can?), read the sports pages, where the only true Ciceronian speech survives.  Sports columnist Hal McCoy throws figures at drug-induced slugger Barry Bonds like fastballs:

First, his asyndeton ("unconnected") eliminates conjunctions.  It can sound poetic, or, in this case, angry.  By skipping "and" between his clauses, McCoy sounds too indignant to take a breath.

Then he fires an anaphora ("carry back")—the favorite of preachers and demagogues—which repeats a word or phrase at the beginning of successive clauses.

His final pitch is the apodioxis ("chase away"), which rejects or banishes someone for his sins.

Three strikes, Bonds.  You’re out.

Snappy Answer:  "I don’t exist?  There’s more of me than ever!"

Can You Shoplift the Constitution?

Quote:  “If the current Congress had been called on to intervene in the case of Mr. Allen, it would probably have tried to legalize shoplifting.” New York Times editorial

Figure of Speech:  hyperbole (hy-PER-bo-lee), the figure of exaggeration.

Hyperbole (“toss over”) is an amazing, incredible figure.  Aristotle endorsed it, Cicero abused it, Webster hit it out of the park.  In these hyperbolic times, however, it’s usually less effective than more subtle figures; the litotes, for instance.

“Mr. Allen”  is Claude Allen, the president’s former domestic policy advisor, who resigned after stores accused him of scamming them for refunds.   Doin’ a heckuva job, Claudie!  Just the sort of guy the president would nominate for the federal Appeals Court.  Which Bush did (before the shoplifting, presumably).  This rampant cronyism goes unchecked by Congress; hence the Times’s hyperbole.

At least, we like to think it’s a hyperbole.

Snappy Answer:  “Well, he wouldn’t be one of those activist judges.”

The Capitol Posse Keeps It Real

Quote:  “It’s hard out here for a lobbyist.”  Emily Yoffe, “Human Guinea Pig” column in Slate.

Figure of Speech:  anastrophe (an-ASS-tro-phee), the word-order switch.

How quickly a pop-culture phrase becomes a cliché.  Many of us suffered through “close encounters of the [insert witty substitution] kind.”  Now we have the song“It’s hard out here for a pimp,” from the hip hop film “Hustle and Flow.”  The phrase is popping up in the whitest, nerdiest places, including, uh, this blog.

The “out here” seems to be in there for purely rhythmic purposes; otherwise, what does "out" refer to?  The street? Coney Island? Iraq?  Plus, the phrase appears in an odd location.  “Out here, it’s hard for a pimp” would be better syntax.  The sentence’s unusual order makes it an anastrophe (“turning back again”), one of the more poetic figures.

Swapping “pimp” for “lobbyist," on the other hand: that seems perfectly natural.

Snappy Answer:  “It’ll be harder where you’re going.”

Sometimes a Cigar Is Something Else Altogether

Warning:  Figaro wrote the following gratuitous and adolescent post against his better judgment.

Quote:  "Many in Congress must be taking dancing lessons trying to skirt the words ‘DP World’."  Comment by figurist Jim Sweas to Figaro’s last post.

Figure of Speech:  sexual innuendo.

We don’t usually post on Saturdays, but Mr. Sweas’s prurient comment got us thinking, unfortunately.   (If you don’t know what "DP" stands for, you have our lasting respect.  Googling won’t help either, thank God.) 

If you’re in a certain Beavis & Butthead-like state, "Innuendo" itself becomes a sexual innuendo.  (It’s also Latin for "nodding at," presumably while winking. ) 

Try reading the Wall Street Journal in that salacious frame of mind.  Johnson & Johnson, Mobil Oil, ConAgra (what if Viacom bought it?), Peabody Energy, AAG Holding Company, Microsoft (could it use some ConAgra?), Safeway, Goldman Sachs (great porn star name), Wellpoint, Chubb, Texas Instruments, even Toys ‘R’ Us sound pretty darn spicy. 

If you don’t have anything better to do (and we devoutly hope you do), feel free to add more sexy corporations in a comment.  

Snappy Answer:  "Heh heh,  you said ‘skirt’".

Those Hot-Tempered Arabs

Quote:  “A political decision was taken to ask DP World to try and defuse the situation.  We have to help our friends.”  Anonymous Dubai “senior political official,” in the New York Times.

Figure of Speech:  euphemismus (eu-phe-MIS-mus), or euphemism, the sugar-coated figure.

The euphemismus (“to speak prettily”) has coated many a bitter political pill. Let us translate this example.

Political decision was taken:  The passive voice disguises the decision-maker, who apparently was Bush himself.  He sent Karl Rove to  quash the deal.

To ask DP World:  The shipping company is owned by the Arab Emirates, so it was more like an order.

Defuse the situation:  The “situation” was a xenophobic tantrum by American politicians during an election year.  The official slips with “defuse,” which implies something more explosive.

Help our friends:  As the most westernized Arab nation, we’re stuck with the Americans.

Snappy Answer:  “With friends like America, who needs allies?”

In Vino Veritas

Quote:  “In 1994, Gingrich had the Contract With America.  In 2006, Democrats will have another glass of merlot.”  Jacob Weisberg’s “The Big Idea” column in Slate.

Figure of Speech: antithesis (an-TIH-the-sis), the figure of contrasts.

With the president’s approval rating at 34 percent and Congress’s at 36 percent, how could the Democrats possibly lose this November?

We’re sure their party heads will find a way.  Political columnist Weisberg contrasts Gingrich’s bold Contract with America with the Democrats’, uh, nothing.  (Weisberg refers to one of Howard Dean’s blurtations, in which he called his base “merlot Democrats.”)

The antithesis (“opposing idea”) puts two concepts on a scale and lets it tip.  Weisberg’s antithesis contrasts not just parties but eras.  These days, however, the Republican leadership is selfish, corrupt, and nasty.  The Democratic leadership, on the other hand, is… selfish, corrupt, and nasty.

Snappy Answer:  “And they’ll be drinking alone.”