I'm, like, totally there!

Quote:  “Hey, it’s Britney Spears. Can I just tell you, I had a blast at your party— seriously, your friends are really cool. Next time I have a party, you’re totally invited.”  Automated cell phone message recorded by Spears.  Subscribers who paid $19.95 for three months also got to hear Spears read their horoscopes.

Figure of Speech:  Parelcon  (puh-REL-con), the "like" figure

A parelcon adds a superfluous word such as “totally” or "like" to a sentence.  You could argue, though, that “totally” isn't superfluous at all.  It constitutes a figure of amplification, making Britney’s thousands of listeners know that she will absolutely positively invite them to her next theoretical party.

Also anthypallage  (an thigh PAL uh gee), the "I'm there!" figure

Anthypallage changes the tense of a sentence for emphasis. “When I have a party, you’re totally there.” Britney fans (excluding a few million middle-aged men with teen fantasies) often use this figure to lend immediacy to the recital of a conversation: “I go, ‘No way,’ and he’s, like, ‘Don’t you love me?’”

Also Paradiastole  (pa ruh die ASS toh lee), the "But seriously, folks" figure

Putting unlike things together—“seriously” and Britney Spears.

Snappy Anwer:  "I'm a middle-aged man pretending to talk to Britney on my cell phone!"   (I mean, ick.)

Figaro

Got a quote you’d like Figaro to figure? Email him or post a comment below.