Porn for Spies

It’s label Monday! Figures and trope lie behind all great political and marketing labels. So every Monday (that is, every Monday that Figaro thinks of it), we’ll construct a label and show you how we did it.

This week’s label:  snoop porn.

We refer to those fun body scanners in airports. Figaro is convinced that benign terrorists are working for the day when we all parade docilely, stark naked, through airport security. So they get a guy to light  up his shoes, and bingo! Barefoot security. Encouraged, they get a second, very committed guy to set fire to his underpants. Expect a flammable brassiere on a future flight, along with some very interesting YouTube footage.

Runners-up for body-scanner labels:  

•  Buff cycle
• Junk yard
• Molestinator
• Pervinator
• Thingamabuse 

 To create these labels, Figaro listed key words that sum up the controversy: snoop, porn, naked, genitals, and machine. Then he went to an online thesaurus and found synonyms. The phrases were easy—just find a fun combo. “Thingamabuse” is a portmanteau, which comes harder; you need to figure how to work puns into the syllables of existing words.  We’ll explain more in a future labeling exercise.

Meanwhile, keep your pants on.

Comments

[Sara Mopelian]

"Buff cycle" made me laugh out loud. I've gone through those body scanners, and they make me feel like I'm in a perverted car wash.

[Tomas]

"Junk yard?" I don't get it.

[Figaro]

"Junk yard" refers to genitalia; "Don't touch my junk" is the current motto of those security-phobic travelers and airline pilots.

[Richard Steinberg]

I'm glad you're focusing on labels each week, Figaro. You have noted that the Republicans have been labeling circles around the Democrats. Maybe you'll help even the odds!

[Figaro]

Figaro wouldn't mind that, Richard. He roots for any rhetorical underdog. But he's an equal opportunity exploiter.

[Steve]

I vote for molestinator. That's PERFECT.

[Arthur2]

This may be the best way to fight obesity in America. Unintended consequences.

[Figaro]

We should be so lucky, Arthur. Shame hasn't cut down visitor numbers at water parks. I suggested at a party over the weekend that the TSA allow the scanner-averse to strip and ride a water slide. Bet there'd be a line.

[Mary]

If we're going to make that TSA line longer, I can think of no better reward for making it through than a waterslide at the end. Except maybe ice cream too. That may be pushing it.

[Mallard]

Watch the labeling of terms as this public debate switches from present and past tenses to the future tense: what is a better solution to the airport security question? The word "profiling" has been given the un-PC connotation that it is racist. Those in favor of profiling will be working to redefine the word as "behavior profiling," as in the Israeli method, to get away from the un-PC "racist profiling."

[Figaro]

We can only hope that the conversation shifts to the future tense. Figaro is all for the future tense.