The Obvious
Friday, July 6, 2012 at 11:10AM Figaro is taking a break from being an egghead and showing smart people how to argue or just be witty. Meanwhile every few seconds some moronic nonsense goes as viral as a cat video. So let’s go viral!
I shall now state the obvious. Feel free to add your own.
The Obvious
Because Somebody Has to State It
By Jay Heinrichs
On Common Wisdom:
The more things change, the more people wish they wouldn’t.
Laughter isn’t the best medicine. That’s medicine’s job.
A watched pot actually does boil, usually the moment you look away.
There are better ways of knowing someone than walking around in their shoes.
A man’s home isn’t his castle, unless it’s an actual castle.
There’s no such thing as an ill wind. Wind doesn’t get sick. You can have an unhealthy wind, though, which sucks.
When you smile, only some of the world will smile with you. The rest will wonder why you’re smiling, or just hate you.
If you scratch someone else’s back, your own back won’t feel any better.
Sometimes where there’s smoke, there’s not much fire. Hardly any at all.
On Health:
When you’ve got your health, you’ve got everything. Except possibly money, or friends.
Diets actually work great. They make some people millions.
Sitting in a chair all the time makes you really bad at not sitting.
On Sex:
When people say “Screw it,” they’re not really suggesting anything.
I don’t know why people ask “How was it?” after sex. The question should be “How is it?” before anything else happens.
If you have sex with an animal, it won’t be able to tell you how it felt.
A man with a long foot usually has a long other foot.
Cars aren’t sexy. I mean, that’s perverted.
On Science:
When you swat a fly, you kill one of God’s creatures. That’s one less fly, on the other hand.
Nature doesn’t care if you mess it up; it just makes different nature. The kind humans won’t live in.
If mermaids existed, they’d be slimy.
On Sports:
Pornography and professional sports both mean watching other people have fun, or pretend to.
On Politics:
A conservative is somebody who likes to annoy liberals. A liberal is somebody who gets annoyed by conservatives.
People who want to defend marriage shouldn’t try to prevent marriages. They should try to prevent divorces.
A candidate who has been successful at business has proven that he can be successful at business.
I don’t know why liberals want to call themselves “progressives.” Most people like liberal helpings, but who goes to progressive dinners?
People who think the government’s budget is just like a household budget must have a bigger Pentagon than mine.
In General:
A gift made by hand has been touched more than one made by a machine.
Don’t really want someone to have a nice day? Just tell them to have a day.
What makes a tautology boring is that it’s just a tautology.
The best lessons are the ones you remember.
Reader Comments (1)
"If I am reading this graph correctly — I'd be very surprised." —Stephen Colbert
“I don't belong to an organized political party. I'm a Democrat." --Will Rogers
"On his feet he wore...blisters." —Aristotle
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." —Groucho Marx
"You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing—after they have tried everything else." —Winston Churchill
"A modest man, who has much to be modest about." —supposedly Winston Churchill
"And now, I am dying beyond my means." Oscar Wilde
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about. Oscar Wilde
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. Oscar Wilde
When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers. Oscar Wilde
My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's. Oscar Wilde
Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes. Oscar Wilde
I am not young enough to know everything. Oscar Wilde
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth. Oscar Wilde
What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. Oscar Wilde
I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good characters, and my enemies for their good intellects. A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies. Oscar Wilde
I can believe anything, provided that it is quite incredible. Oscar Wilde
Only the shallow know themselves. Oscar Wilde
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
The prime motivation for all human behavior is the need to feel superior to someone else.
The IQ of a mob can be determined by taking the IQ of the dumbest member, and dividing by the number of members.
All indicators show that the human race is selectively breeding itself for stupidity
Anyone who says exactly what you want to hear knows it.
Anger is easy, anger at the right person, at the right time, for the right reason, that's hard.
If you always tell the truth, people will stop believing you. Richard Feynman