Vote for Dirty Books!

Quote:  “It’s not in every political campaign that you get to watch the wife of the vice president of the United States slug it out about lesbian sex while promoting a children’s book titled “Our 50 States: A Family Adventure Across America.” Frank Rich, in the New York Times.

 Figure of Speech: litotes (lie-TOE-tees), the figure of ironic understatement.  From the Greek, meaning “meager.”

Macaca-cawing Senator George Allen of Virginia finally has a handle on Jim Webb: Allen’s Democratic opponent wrote a few great novels about the Vietnam War, with some pretty graphic scenes involving soldiers and prostitutes.  For shame!

Oh, yeah?  says Webb.  Lynne Cheney, the vice president’s wife and a prominent Republican, wrote a lesbian scene into one of her novels.  The fact that Webb isn’t running against Ms. Cheney, and that dirty books have nothing to do with the real issues, bothers these politicians not a bit.

Frank Rich sums up this literary catfight in a litotes, an ironic figure that amplifies a point by understating it.  A litotes makes you look cool and sophisticated, even if you’re a nerdy Times columnist.  Ms. Cheney’s appearance on CNN, defending the lez scene (actually, denying it) will certainly not be repeated in future elections.  The veep isn’t running again, after all.

But Figaro certainly hopes that dirty books will become an election issue in the future.  Arguing about pornography is old hat.  When a campaign becomes pornography — well, now you have our attention.

Snappy Answer:  “’The women who embraced in the wagon were Adam and Eve… Uh, what were we talking about?”

A State of Disinterest.

Quote:  “If I lose because I didn’t go negative, so be it.”  Martha Rainville, Republican congressional candidate in Vermont, in USA Today.

Figure of Speech:  eunoia (yoo-NOY-ah), disinterested good will.  From the Greek, meaning “well mind.”

The state that produced Howard Dean is a lot more sensible than you might think.  Vermont also once boasted George Aiken, a Republican senator who spent $17.09 on his last reelection and complained about the expense. 

Times haven’t changed that much in the Green Mountain State.  Martha Rainville is challenging Peter Welch, a popular Democrat who calls Rainville “a really good speaker.”  The Republican lieutenant governor says “We’re really proud of both” Welch and Rainville. This is one really, really nice state.

Rainville proves her own niceness with an expression of eunoia, a combination of disinterest (independent of special interests) and benevolence toward the audience.  We’ve so lost the concept of disinterest that we mistake the word for “uninterest.”  But in Aristotle’s book, eunoia is one of the three essential tools to boost one’s public image.  (The other two are phronesis and virtue.)  A great way to pump up your eunoia level is with an expression of self sacrifice, as in, “This will hurt me more than it will hurt you.”

We’re guessing that no Vermonter will be harmed in this production.  And the nation will be the better for it.

Snappy Answer:  “Martha, you’re no loser.”

The First Botched Joke was the 2004 Campaign.

Quote:  “Senator Kerry not only owes an apology to those who are serving, but also to the families of those who’ve given their lives in this.”  White House Press Secretary Tony Snow.

Figure of Speech: apodioxis (a-po-dee-OX-sis), the “you should apologize” figure.  From the Greek, meaning “chasing away.”

In his quest to lose another election, John Kerry managed to insult our troops and look like a snob at the same time.  “You know, education — if you make the most of it, you study hard and you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well,” he told students at Pasadena City College in California.  “If you don’t, you get stuck in Iraq.”

He later called it a “botched joke” against Bush.  So add the charge of lousy  joke teller on top of arrogant fool.

The Republicans, screwing up their faces to mask their delight, are calling on Kerry to apologize while hoping he doesn’t.  They’re using an apodioxis, a figure that makes the opponent seem like an outsider.  Use it as an effective character attack when you want to avoid dealing with the future.

Kerry, of course, refuses to apologize.  He must be on the Republican payroll.

Snappy Answer:   “We’ll apologize for him.  Now, about Iraq…”

Update on Wednesday, November 1, 2006 at 05:28PM by Figaro

Well, he apologized, sort of, on Imus. Even better, he said he was going back to Washington. Thank you, Senator.

 Fig.

Please Leave a Message

Quote:  “Harold, call me.”  Republican National Committee attack ad against Senate candidate Harold Ford of Tennessee.

Figure of Speech:  apostrophe.  From the Greek, meaning “turn away from.”

“I met Harold at the Playboy party!” squeals a bare-shouldered blond actress, who winks and tells Ford to call her.  It’s a rather dopey version of an apostrophe, a figure that switches audiences.  Usually, the apostrophe is supposed to convey deep emotion, but we’ll let sleaze substitute for pathos.

Ford, who’s single, did in fact attend a Playboy Superbowl party in Ft. Lauderdale last year, along with 3,000 other people.  So this is the worst scandal the GOP can come up with?  Or are some Tennesseans still shocked by the prospect of miscegenation?  (Ford is black.  The ad bimbo is white.)

Ford says, “You know your opponent is scared when his main opposition against you is, ‘My opponent likes girls.’” At any rate, it’s a strange time for Republicans to accuse someone of heterosexuality. 

To Figaro’s disappointment, the GOP pulled the ad.

Snappy Answer:  “Call you what?”

Any Way You Slice It

Quote:  “For bloodsucking circumcision, click here.”   William Saletan in Slate’s Human Nature column.

Figure of Speech:  parrhesia (par-AY-zia), the excuse-my-French figure.

Figaro loves the kind of figure that sins by denying the sin.  Please don’t let this shock you, the parrhesia says, but…  That gets your heart beating a little faster, and with any luck amplifies the effect of whatever shocking thing follows.

Saletan could have written, “For health problems stemming from a religious ritual, click here.”  But who would click on that?  By doing some gross-out advance work, Saletan guarantees more clicks.

If you don’t know what bloodsucking circumcision and rituals have to do with each other, go ahead and click.   But don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Snappy Answer:  “Thanks, but we prefer to suck our blood elsewhere.”

Do Babes Go for Guys with Figures?

Fellow figurists, for some reason the McArthur genius checks haven’t arrived yet. Therefore Figaro, who is perfectly qualified for a life of leisure, nonetheless must go out and make some money.   He’ll be on the road for the next week, and will wrestle down some figures whenever he can.   Meanwhile, please send Figaro your personal rhetorical questions for quick answers.   Here’s a sample from the Ask Figaro part of our site, just to prove that rhetoric can do darn near anything for you.

Dear Fig,
i really like your figures but im a high school student and girls dont like guys with big, uh, vocabularies. i graduate next year tho and hope to get into an ivy league school. think the females will fall for my figures then?

“Frank”

Dear “Frank”,

Does putting quotation marks around “Frank” still make you Frank?

As for figures attracting females, I give you Gorgias, a famous Greek Sophist back in the day.  (You can call him “Gorgeous.”)  He once gave a mock defense of babelicous Helen of Troy’s infidelity.  She was innocent, he said, because her lover “drugged” her with figures of speech and other rhetorical mind-benders.

In short, Homerian babes go for us rhetorical types.  So do word-wonky women.  Figaro himself has been hit on many times — well, twice — by highly intelligent, probably beautiful Figaristas.

So do well in your SATs, brush up your chiasmus and anadiplosis, your hyperbaton and your tasis.  (And capitalize your I’s.  Women like fully grown egos.)  Do exactly as Figaro says and the chromosomally endowed will beat a path to your dormitory door.

Yrs,
Figaro

P.S.  Also pre-order my book.  It’s full of seduction.