Protect and ... What Was the Other Thing?

Quote:   "They are a part of American life, but they are beyond the reach and protection of American law.”  President Bush.

Figure of Speech:  parallelism, the figure of similar structure.

President Bush is trying to placate the right and solve a real problem — illegal immigration — at the same time.  His primetime speech to the nation reveals a mastery of parallelism, a technique that balances the rhythm or meaning of clauses.   In this case, he lays mercy beside get-tough:  American life beside American law.

There’s a further balancing act here:  the "reach and protection" of that law.  The phrase implies that illegals escape from the law while suffering from its absence.  An apotheosis of compassionate conservativism.

Parallelism is a general term that comprises more specific figures; you’ll find them here.  It gladdens our rhetorical heart to see Bush using them; they require a balanced mind.  We weren’t sure the president had one.

Snappy Answer:  "More protection and less reach, please."

Don't Call It Spin. Call It Market-Tested Truth-Telling.

Quote:  "What is being considered is not a militarization of the border, but support of border patrol capabilities, on a temporary basis, by National Guard personnel."  White House spokeswoman Maria Tamburri, in the New York Times.

Figure of Speech:  euphemismus, the euphemism.

Faced with a national emergency—the November elections—President Bush plans to send National Guard troops to the Mexican border.  The Mexican president, Vicente Fox, expressed concern.  So the White House responded with a euphemismus ("pretty language").  Don’t call sending heavily armed troops to the border "militarization."  Call it "support of border patrol capabilities."

The euphemism can help redefine an issue.  But the White House commits a rhetorical blunder when it repeats the original unfavorable term; that, and not the euphemism, is what tends to stick in the audience’s mind.  We’re reminded of Mr. Burns, owner of a nuclear power plant and Homer Simpson’s employer. "Oh, meltdown," he says.  "It’s one of those annoying buzzwords.  We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus."

We prefer to call it a meltdown.

Snappy Answer:  "Temporary, you say? Like Iraq?"  

He's Kinky, and He's Our Man

Quote:  "Thank God for bars and dance halls."   Kinky Friedman, independent candidate for governor of Texas.

Figure of Speech: eucharistia (eu-ka-RIS-tia), the thanksgiving figure.

The founder of the Texas Jewboys country band is a serious — well, pretty serious — gubernatorial candidate.  Having collected 169,574 signatures and out-fundraising his Democratic opponent, Friedman offers peculiarly Texan thanks in the form of a eucharistia ("thanksgiving").

The figure does more than express gratitude; it lets a skilled rhetorician like Kinky align himself with the values of a particular deity or electorate — or both.  The Christian Eucharist, or mass, is named for the eucharistia.  (We’re sure Kinky would approve; his latest album is titled "They Ain’t Makin’ Jews Like Jesus Anymore.")

If the rhetorician vote were large enough, Kinky Friedman would be unstoppable.  He rattles off figures like no one else, including the paraprosdokian ("I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us."); the neologism (he’s for the "dewussification" of Texas), the erotesis ("How Hard Could It Be?" is a campaign slogan); the catachresis ("Get Your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in Bed") and the beloved chiasmus ("Ask not if you are proud of Texas, but whether you have made Texas proud of you.")

He almost makes us wish we lived in Texas.

Snappy Answer: "Do they have voting machines in those places?"

Thank You for Eating

Quote:  "I’ve noticed a change.  It’s a lot of lobbyists eating with each other."  John Breaux in Time.

Figure of Speech:  meiosis (mie-O-sis), the shrinking figure.

Many years ago, when Figaro was a journalist in Washington, the restaurants were awful and elected officials made the big decisions.  Now the restaurants are great, and government has been outsourced to lobbyists.  John Breaux, a former Senator from Louisiana and a top lobbyist, acknowledges both facts with a meiosis ("to shrink"), a figure that diminishes what it describes.

The meiosis is a particularly deft form of insult; at its best, it creates a vivid image that’s hard to shake.  For instance, an anonymous wit once described wilderness as "a damp place where birds fly about uncooked."

We can rest assured that many birds are getting cooked in Washington.  Including the nation’s goose.

Snappy Answer:  "Putting on weight, Mr. Breaux?"

It Slices, It Dices, It Makes Budget Hash

Quote:  "What we do today protects jobs, protects the incomes of our people, strengthens America’s economy and protects our future."  Rep. Nancy Johnson of Connecticut, in the AP.

Figure of Speech:  diazeugma (die-ah-ZOOG-ma), the play-by-play figure.

The House of Representatives is about to vote to extend tax cuts to wealthy investors.  Cost to the U.S. Treasury: $70 billion.  Nancy Johnson portrays it reassuringly in a diazeugma ("multiple yoking"), a figure that marries one subject to many verbs.  Sportscasters use it a lot.  So do gadget salesmen.  And so does a politician who wants to foist a pricey budgetary flim-flam on the American people.

Snappy Answer:  "By ‘our people,’ do you mean your people?"

Another Third Can Find Louisiana But Can't Tell What It's For

Quote:  "According to a new study, one-third of America’s youth cannot find Louisiana on a map.  Well, hell, the federal government can’t find Louisiana on a map." David Letterman.

Figure of Speech: argumentum a fortiori (ah-for-tee-OR-ee), argument from strength.

Letterman makes one of Aristotle’s favorite appeals:  if a powerful entity failed, a weaker one is more likely to fail.  If the government misplaces a state, why should America’s youth find it?

But have you noticed how nearly every shocking survey of America’s youth shows that a third of them are idiots? Look at Bush’s latest poll numbers.  They prove that a third of Americans are idiots.

Snappy Answer:  Can you?

Here’s another example of an a fortiori argument.