Also, the Bride Must Not Drool While Tearing the Wrapping

Quote:  "You must pretend that you invite people because you want to celebrate important occasions with them, and you must seem pleasantly surprised when they give you something." Miss Manners' wedding advice

Figure of Speech:  accismus (ak SIS muss), the oh-you-shouldn't-have figure

If you're cheap or greedy (and Figaro admits to being both), the accismus -- a fake refusal -- is your figure of choice.  Latin for "coyness," it makes you look like less of a jerk than you really are.

Snappy Answer:  "Oh, we don't want a gift.  A check will suffice."

Did You Hear the One About Coolidge and the Farmer’s Wife?

Quote: "We're learning more and more about Tom Delay ... He was nicknamed 'Hot Tub Tom,' got kicked out of Baylor for drinking and ... became a wild party animal who drank 10 martinis a night, or as they call it in Washington, a Kennedy."  Jay Leno.

Figure of Speech:  ampliatio (am plee OT ee oh), the worn-out label.

Enough with the Kennedy jokes, at least until the fourth generation is old enough to drink. Poor bloated Teddy probably isn't spending much time in a hot tub these days; and it probably wouldn't be big enough for company.  So we find Leno guilty of an ampliatio, continuing to use a name that's long out of date.

Snappy Answer:  "I thought they called it a Bush."

A Delightful Way to Foster Witty Teen-Aged Banter

Quote:   "I'll hit you so hard I'll kill your whole family." Fenwick, a character in the 1982 movie "Diner"

Figure of Speech:  perclusio (per CLOO see oh), the threat

The perclusio works especially well in concert with another figure of speech, the hyperbole.  It also makes for great adolescent banter -- a violent version of the insult game of Snaps.

Competitive discourse of this kind has a name all its own:  eristic (eh RIS tick).  Plato said its purpose is "victory in argument," rather than a search for the truth.  He was a real hoot as a teenager.

Snappy Answer:  "I'll hit you so hard you’ll have to unzip your pants to see out.”

Why Daniel Boone Could Have Run FEMA

Quote:   "I've never been lost but I will admit to being confused for several weeks." Daniel Boone, quoted in Jay Leno's new book, How to be the Funniest Kid in the Whole Wide World (or Just in Your Class)

Figure of Speech:  correctio (core REK tee oh), the correction

Because it replaces a word that someone else has used, the correctio is central to one of argument's best defenses:  redefinition.  If the facts don't go your way -- you’ve been wandering aimlessly somewhere down south -- then simply redefine the issue.

Snappy Answer:  "So now you're just mentally competent?"

See Harriet Judge. Judge, Harriet, Judge.

Quote:  "I've known Harriet for more than a decade.  I know her heart.  I know her character." President Bush, introducing Supreme Court nominee Harriet Ellan Miers

Figure of Speech:  anaphora (ann AH for ah), the first-word repeater

The president loves the anaphora, which repeats the first word of successive clauses or sentences.  It’s the most plain-spoken of figures.  It sounds right.  It sounds true.  It gives Bush fewer words to remember.

Snappy Answer:  "But does Harriet know the Constitution?"

What’s O.J.'s Next Gig? A Knife Convention?

Quote:  "I'm not doing this for my health." O.J. Simpson, appearing at a horror comic book convention.

Figure of Speech:  litotes (lie TOE tees), the negative understatement

The litotes makes a point by denying its opposite.  The result is an ironic understatement, and an appropriate answer to a stupid question.   "I'm not doing this out of good taste"  would have made a better litotes.  Still, showing up at a horror convention after being acquitted of a double murder certainly isn't healthy.

Snappy Answer:  "Instead of signing my comic book, can you stab it?"