Mmmmm….Adult Cartoon Figures!

Quote:  "Mmmmmm....donuts!"  Homer Simpson

Figure of Speech:  Tasis (TAY sis), the delectable figure

The tasis draws out a sound out of sheer delight for the word -- which assumes, in this case, that Homer likes the sound of "donuts" as well as the donuts themselves.

Snappy Answer:  "That's a tasis...tay-sis. Taysis taysis taysis..."

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The Latest Military Intelligence

Quote:  "Don't get stuck on stupid, reporters."  Lt. Gen. Russel Honoré, commander of Joint Task Force Katrina

Figure of Speech:  metallage (meh TALL ah gee), the "Don't give me 'why'" figure

The metallage (it sort of means "swap" in Greek) takes a word or phrase and uses it as an object within a sentence.  ("I've heard enough No's for today.")

The general is being a bit unfair.  All the reporters asked was where New Orleans' latest evacuees -- the ones escaping Hurricane Rita -- would be taken this time.  "That's not your business," he snapped, and then he threw his metallage at them.  He must be tired.

Snappy Answer:  "Don't get stuck on military, General."

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Words Cannot Describe Their Ability

Quote:  "Democrats still have the same quality of leadership and political acumen from Leaders Pelosi and Reid (and Chairman Dean) and the same number of positive, clear agenda items to offer the American people." ABC News Blog, "The Note"

Figure of Speech:  adianoeta (ah dee ah noh EE tah), the figure of hidden meaning

The ABC reporters neatly use an adianoeta (Greek for "unintelligible") to give an ironic gloss to the Democrats' strange inability to respond to a botched war, a bungled disaster, an exploding deficit, vanishing privacy, and Halliburton.

Snappy Answer:  "Yes, I never knew such leadership was possible."

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He Probably Just Ate a Bad Wing

Quote:  "To commit suicide in Buffalo would be redundant." Harold Arlen

Figure of Speech:  paraprosdokian (pah rah proze DOKE ee an), the unexpected ending

Hard as it is to pronounce, the paraprosdokian is one of the best figures for instant wit.  It usually starts with a banal clause or cliche and ends with a surprise.  ("I love work; I can sit and watch it for hours.")

Arlen was a songmeister who wrote "Over the Rainbow" and "Stormy Weather," but not "Shuffle Off to Buffalo."

Snappy Answer:  “It beats staying alive in Syracuse.”

Bonds Spits...Grabs His Crotch...Takes a Call from His Agent...

Quote:  Sandy backs off, mops his forehead, runs his left index finger along his forehead, dries it off on his left pants leg.  All the while Kuenn just waiting.  Now Sandy looks in.  Into his windup and the two-one pitch to Kuenn: swung on and missed, strike two .. Sandy into his windup, here's the pitch:  Swung on and missed, a perfect game. Vin Scully announcing the end of Sandy Koufax's greatest perfect game, September 9, 1965

Figure of Speech:  diazeugma (die ah ZOOG ma), the play-by-play figure

The diazeugma has one subject and many verbs. It's the figure of choice among sports announcers, but it also works in long jokes, along with any story in which you want the action to seem immediate.

Snappy Answer:  "Go ahead, Vin. Cheer."

Mr. Crowe, Step Away From the Telephone

Quote:  "If I'm an international menace like the [prosecuting] attorney is suggesting, then fine.  I'll just stay here."  Australian actor Russell Crowe, in an interview with the Associated Press

Figure of Speech:  charientismus (chah ren TIS muss), the figure of graceful mockery

New York state prosecutors charged Crowe with felony assault after he threw a cell phone at a hotel concierge.  His lawyers are trying to reduce the rap to a misdemeanor, a deal that would still make it hard for Crowe to work in this country.

The pugilistic actor defends himself with a charientismus, an ironically graceful response to an accusation.  Maybe his phone manners are improving.

Snappy Answer:  "Too bad.  The Yankees could use a pitcher."