Scooter, That Was a Haiku

Quote:  "Out West, where you vacation, the aspens will already be turning.  They turn in clusters, because their roots connect them."  Cheney aide I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, in a letter to jailed New York Times reporter Judith Miller.

Figure of Speech:  topothesia (toe poe THEE sia), description of an imaginary place.

First of all, aspens don't turn in clusters, though their roots do connect them.  Secondly, Scooter wrote before the leaves began to turn.  Thirdly, he isn't writing about the West at all.  He's really writing about ... uh, that's not our department.

For these reasons we'll slap on a label of topothesia, the Never-Never-Land of figures.

The topothesia falls under the heading of enargia, vivid description that makes an audience believe it's experiencing what the speaker portrays.  Just like pornography.  We call it sex enargia.

Snappy Answer:  "Here in prison, we, too, turn in clusters, because the guards make us."

Plead Now! Don’t DeLay!

Quote:  "In short, neither lack of evidence nor lack of law has deterred you."  Dick DeGuerin, Tom DeLay's attorney, in a letter to the congressman’s prosecutor.

Figure of Speech:  epiphonema (eh pih foe NEE ma), the memorable summary.

Tom DeLay's lawyer says Texas prosecutor Ronnie Earle offered DeLay a plea bargain:  if DeLay admitted to a misdemeanor, he wouldn't be prosecuted on a felony charge of money laundering.  Attorney Dick DeGuerin names all the mean and nasty things that Ronnie Earle did to DeLay.  "He turned you down flat so you had him indicted, in spite of advice from others in your office that Tom DeLay had not committed any crime," DeGuerin says to Earle.

Now comes a first-class epiphonema, a figure that sums things up in an impressive sentence:  "In short, neither lack of evidence nor lack of law has deterred you."

Say what you will about The Hammer, we love a lawyer who can sling a good figure.

Snappy Answer:  "And neither has a guilty-as-hell client deterred you."

Magically Babe-licious

Quote:

WAYNE CAMPBELL:  She's a robo-babe. In Latin she would be called "babia majora."

GARTH ALGAR:  If she were a president she would be Baberaham Lincoln.

Dialogue from the movie "Wayne’s World"

Figure of Speech: cacozelia (cak oh ZEEL ee ah), showing off that makes you look like an idiot.

A figure of error, the cacozelia uses foreign words and other fancy language in a fruitless attempt to sound educated. It's a malapropism with a French beret.

All right, that was a little harsh.  Wayne and Garth are actually being clever ... NOT.

Snappy Answer:  "Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played a girl bunny?"

Does Her Judicial Philosophy Involve Sinking Teeth Into People?

Quote:  "QUESTION:  The President has called [Harriet Miers] a pit bull in size six shoes.  Could you elaborate? MR. McCLELLAN:  Carl, what we have talked about publicly is her record and her qualifications and her judicial philosophy."  Press briefing with White House spokesman Scott McClellan.

Figure of Speech:  metastasis (met ah STAY sis), the figure that flits past the subject.

Scott McClellan chooses to say nothing with a metastasis, which barely touches the issue at hand before hightailing it out of there. It may be the politician's very favorite figure of all.

Snappy Answer:  "Is a small-footed household pet really qualified for the Supreme Court?"

Long Live King Mike

Quote:  "From time to time, Buckingham Palace is made aware of stories which claim that individuals, other than members of the Royal Family, have a claim to the Throne."  A royal spokesman for Queen Elizabeth, in an email to the Associated Press.

Figure of Speech:  metonymy (meh TON ih mee), the figure of swap.

Mike Hastings lives in Australia.  He operates a forklift and helps run a museum for famous outlaw Ned Kelly.  He's also the rightful king of England, according to genealogists.  Recently uncovered documents reveal that Edward IV, who ruled during the 1400s, was a bastard.  Which means that Hastings' ancestor was screwed, quite literally, out of the Throne.

"Throne" with a capital T is a metonymy -- Greek for "change of name."  The metonymy uses a part to name a whole, or a cause to name an effect, as well as other swaps.  The White House is a metonymy.  "All hands on deck" (meaning sailors, not literal hands).  Brush up on your Shakespeare (his works, that is).  Who finished the box (of cereal)? Madison Avenue (meaning the advertising industry).  He's just a suit (or the guy who wears one) from New York. All metonymies.

Britain probably won’t swap Elizabeth for Mike any time soon.  He says he doesn't want it anyway.  But the royals might owe him rent.  They "have been living in my bloody castle for the last 500 years," he says, royally.

Snappy Answer:  "You can have the throne.  I just want the crown."

God Doesn’t Need a Permit, Either

Quote:  "This gun had a hold on me.  I felt this incredible surge of power, like God must feel when he's holding a gun."  Homer Simpson

Figure of Speech:  anthropopatheia (ANN thro po pah THEE ah), the God is my co-pilot figure.

The anthropopatheia ascribes human emotions to God.  Hard as it is to pronounce (it means "human emotions" in Greek), it gets a lot of use these days:  among those who feel that their deity has to be their buddy, and those who say,  "She’s a woman, and she's pissed."

Snappy Answer:  "Good thing God wrote the Second Amendment, then."