And Thy Hips Are Like a Burger Which Thou Hast Supersized

Quote:  "Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies."  Song of Solomon  4:5

Figure of Speech:  blazon, the physical description of a lover.

Solomon's Song of Songs is the the most daring part of the Bible -- not just poetically, but from the relationship standpoint.  You try comparing your lover's breasts to a pair of deer.

Shakespeare makes fun of the blazon in Sonnet 130, the one that says his "mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun."  "If hairs be wires," he chortles, "black wires grow on her head."  Shakespeare clearly had plenty of time to write at night.

Snappy Answer:  "I know a surgeon who can turn them into a pair of moose."

Reading This Blog Could Shorten Your Useful Life by 3.7 Minutes

Quote:  "Is this one of those cases where the news is the opposite of what the news says the news is?" Mickey Kaus in his Slate blog, the Kaus Files

Figure of Speech:  antistasis (an TIH sta sis), the repeat that changes a word's meaning.

Researchers say that regular exercise can lengthen your lifespan by 3.7 years.  "Only 3.7 years?"  Kaus wheezes.  “It almost doesn't seem worth it."  Then he tosses in an antistasis for good measure.  The figure repeats a word in a way that changes or contradicts its original meaning.  You'll often find it nested in a chiasmus.  ("You can take the boy out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the boy.")

Actually, 3.7 years sounds like a lot.  In that time we could watch 17,520 episodes of the "Simpsons."

Snappy Answer:  "When you figure it out, come find us at the health club."

This Shows the Sound We Want Our Phone to Make

Quote:  "Anytime you’re around me, please don't turn off your cell phone. You hear an annoying sound. I hear ka-ching! ka-ching!"  Virginia governor and telecom jillionaire Mark Warner, quoted in Time.

Figure of Speech:  onomatopoeia (onna motta PEE ah), the noisemaker.

Warner is sniffing a run for President, but to prove he's just a regular guy, he uses an onomatopoeia -- Greek for "the making of words."  The figure takes a sound and turns it into a word.  Although it's one of the hardest figures to pronounce, it's also one of the best known.  Figaro  employs it in an argument a fortiori whenever somebody whines about how hard figures are to learn.

We only wish that flipping the bird made a sound.  Then we could offer Mr. Warner another onomatopoeia.

Snappy Answer:  "My favorite onomatopoeia is 'Pow!'  Come here and listen..."

They Don’t Hold a Candle to You

Quote:  "Appalling old wax works."  Prince Charles, referring to the leaders of Communist China in 1997 journal excerpts just published by a London newspaper.

Figure of Speech:  periphrasis (per IF rah sis), the figure that swaps a description for a proper name.

Who knew the jug-eared royal was such a poet?  Our estimation for the perpetual prince goes way up, thanks to his use of a periphrasis (Greek for "to speak around").

The Brits seem especially good at this form of circumlocution.  There's He- who- must- not- be- named in the Harry Potter books, and She- who- must- be- obeyed in John Mortimer's Rumpole mysteries.

And then there's Figaro, who snuck in three periphrases ("jug-eared royal," "perpetual prince" and "Your Weirdship" below) and feels very proud of himself.

Snappy Answer:  "Didn't you once tell Camilla you wished you were a tampon?  That's appalling."

Can You Say That Naked?

Quote:  "Some activists will only see another opportunity to push government as parent, but parents make the best decisions about what [TV] is appropriate for their family to watch and have the tools to enforce those decisions." Jim Dyke, executive director of TV Watch, in the Associated Press.

Figure of Speech:  Straw Man fallacy, attacking a weaker version of the original argument.

The number of sex scenes on television has doubled over the past seven years, according to a Kaiser Family Foundation study -- now five per hour on 70 percent of all network shows.

Instead of admitting that every network is turning into the Porn Channel, industry flack Jim Dyke argues against Government Interference. He uses the Straw Man tactic, which ignores your argument and sets up a rhetorical "straw man" -- an easier argument to attack.

Snappy Answer:  "I hit the remote and you still won't shut up."

Now, That Was a War

Quote:  "It is our war! We are the fighters! Fight it, then! Fight it with all that is in us, and may God defend the right."  The vicar in the 1942 film "Mrs. Miniver."

Figure of Speech:  conduplicatio (con doo plih CAT io), repetition of the same word.

The vicar’s conduplicatio (Latin for "doubling") repeats the word "fight" in a couple of ways for emphasis.  They're in the movie's last lines; according to the American Film Institute, President Roosevelt liked them so much "that he ordered them printed on millions of leaflets and dropped over Nazi-occupied Europe."

The Nazis may have preferred to see the film.

Snappy Answer:  Sing "Onward Christian Soldiers." At least, that's what they did in the movie.  (Though don't its lyrics say "marching as to war," not "off to war"?