Stop It, You’re Killing Me

Quote:  "We believe our program prevents hardening of the attitudes."  Retired Lt. Col. James Scott, the Pentagon's certified laughter training specialist, in USA Today.

Figure of Speech:  paronomasia (pa ra no MAY sia), the near-pun.

The National Guard desperately needs armor, so the Pentagon leaped into action, sending a guy to laughter school.

While it won't stop bullets, forced laughter does seem to have some medical benefits, and God knows, these guys need medical benefits.  We’re talking forced laughter, though.  Scott's paronomasia (Greek for "play on like-sounding words")--"arteries" and "attitudes"--isn't exactly a laugh riot.

It's more like a laugh invasion.

Snappy Answer:  "And fighting insurgents stimulates the guns!"

He Believes in Believable Beliefs

Quote:  "I think the Constitution is a living thing in the sense that…it sets up a framework of government and a protection of fundamental rights that we have lived under very successfully for 200 years." Supreme Court Nominee Samuel Alito.

Figure of Speech:  antistasis (an TIS ta sis), the repeat that changes meaning.

A Senator asked Alito what he thought of the "living Constitution"— the concept that the Supreme Court's interpretations must adapt to societal change.  Liberals love it, conservatives hate it.

His answer:  "The Constitution is living because we live under it." (Thanks to Slate’s  Dahlia Lithwick for the translation).  An antistasis (Greek for "anti-position") repeats a word while changing its meaning.  Alito uses it to express precisely what he means to say:

Nothing.

Snappy Answer:  "It was living, but I think you just talked it to death."

I’ll Tell You How, But It’ll Cost You

Quote:  "Nobody knows more about reforming this place than I do." Rep. John A. Boehner (R-Ohio) in the Washington Post.

Figure of Speech:  unintentional irony.

Boehner wants to fill Tom DeLay’s big shiny shoes as House majority leader.  He's well qualified; Boehner knows reform like the back of his bank statement.  This guy once handed out tobacco-lobby checks to colleagues—on the House floor.  His quote constitutes a figure of speech that's rampant in politics today, the unintended irony. It reverses irony's usual double meaning by making the speaker the clueless brunt of his own joke.

We would like to propose an eponym in his honor: the boehner (BO ner), the figure of unintended irony. (For more great unconscious irony, check out this blog.)

Snappy Answer:  "Your knowledge is worth a fortune."

Alito: Arch or Flaming?

Quote: "By selecting the right cases, he can look like a flaming liberal or he can look like an arch conservative." Sen. Arlen Specter at Samuel Alito's nomination hearing.

Figure of Speech: antisagoge (an tih sa GO gee), the balanced argument.

Specter points out that Judge Alito has voted in some 4,800 rulings, and the shrill interest groups on either side can use any one of them to make him look bad. To show what a balanced guy Alito is, Specter uses an antisagoge ("compensating arguments" in Greek), a figure that argues -- or pretends to argue -- both sides. But since few conservatives are digging through his records, Specter's statement is less balanced than it looks.

Why do liberals have to be "flaming"? Why can't they be arch, too?

Snappy Answer: “One ruling makes him a flaming liberal, and 4,799 make him an arch conservative.”

Women and Honest Politicians Last

Quote:  "You know how people talk about the captain being willing to go down with the ship? Well, in this case, it would have been the ship going down with the captain."  Anonymous member of Congress in the L.A. Times.

Figure of Speech:  chiasmus (key AS muss), the criss-cross figure.

Tom DeLay's career has hit an iceberg — the guilty plea of Jack Abramoff, crooked lobbyist and crony of the Hammer.  The anonymous Republican uses our very favorite figure, the chiasmus, to sum up the situation:  the impending DeLay scandal could have sunk the whole GOP leadership.

The chiasmus (the Greek letter "X") takes a phrase and plays it backwards.  JFK used it in a speech — "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country" — and thousands joined the Peace Corps.  Who says figures aren't powerful?

Snappy Answer:  "Could you keel-haul him first?"

“I’m Going to Prison” Is a Good Start

Quote:  "Your Honor, words will not be able to ever express how sorry I am for this..."  Uberlobbyist Jack Abramoff

Figure of Speech:  aporia (a POR ia), the figure of doubt.

Abramoff’s court-enforced contrition has stopped a number of hearts on Capitol Hill.  The lobbyist bilked millions out of Indian tribes and made shady deals with an untold bevy of Congressmen.  And having copped a plea, Abramoff plans to sing.  He uses an aporia as a form of hyperbole—his emotion is so strong, words cannot describe it.

Good thing Congress doesn't have a reputation to sully.

Snappy Answer:  "The words we want to hear have 'Member of Congress'’ in front of them."