"Now Go Away or I Will Taunt You a Second Time."

Quote:   "I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper.  I fart in your general direction." French solder in Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Figure of Speech:  mycterismus (mick terr IZ muss), the sneer

A mycterismus (from the Greek "to sneer") mocks someone through voice and gesture.  When one breaks wind rhetorically, it counts as a gesture, and maybe even a voice.

These days a mycterismus means yelling a profanity while redundantly flipping the bird.  The French soldier played by John Cleese in the Monty Python movie makes a more atmospheric gesture.

Snappy Answer:   "That's the smartest thing out of you yet."

And Which Beatle Is Closest to Your Judicial Philosophy?

Quote:   You are trapped alone on a deserted island. What five amendments do you take with you?  Gerald Glover, suggesting a Senate question for Supreme Court nominee John Roberts in Slate.

Figure of Speech:  parabola (puh RA bo lah), the parable

A parabola (Greek for "to cast aside," for some reason) is a story that brings together contrasting thoughts or characters to make a moral point.

We can guess Roberts wouldn't need the "so-called right to privacy," as he put it.  Uh, which amendment was that?

Snappy Answer:  That's a Democratic fantasy, not a question.

It’s a Whole New Ballgame. Which Sucks.

Quote:  "Every day brings something new.  Obviously right now, what's new is bad." White Sox slugger Paul Konerko, after his team lost five straight games

Figure of Speech:  traductio (trah DOOK tee oh), a repetition that modifies a word

Technically, Konerko uses a traductio (Latin for "transfer"), which repeats a word to modify it. But he also modifies a sunny commonplace by throwing a cloud over it.  We know of no name for a figure that twists a cliche around.  Any suggestions?

Snappy Answer:  Look on the bright side of life, and you get the sun in your eyes.

We Googled Our Sex Life But Couldn’t Find It

Quote: "I used to think it was so bad, but it's like, everyone has sex. I'm sure everyone has filmed a tape." Paris Hilton in Vanity Fair

Figure of Speech: apodixis (ah poe DIX is), the everybody-knows-it-or-does-it figure

Paris Hilton, the hotel heiress who unwittingly starred in the most widely distributed internet porn ever, is now a demure homemaker engaged to a jillionaire named Paris and anticipating a litter of arrondissements.

An apodixis (Greek for "proof") refers to common knowledge or experience to prove a point—in this case to show she's just an ordinary gal. It's like, every housewife gets her picture taken wearing nothing but jodhpurs. And who hasn't enjoyed group sex in front of a video camera?

Snappy Answer: "We wanted to, but there was a casting problem."

Got a snappier answer? Email Figaro.

Wanted: Caring, Sensitive Idiot

Quote: "Take whatever idiot they have at the top of whatever agency and give me a better idiot. Give me a caring idiot. Give me a sensitive idiot. Just don't give me the same idiot." Aaron Broussard, president of Jefferson Parish near New Orleans, speaking to CBS about FEMA Chief Michael Brown

Figure of Speech: diaphora (die AH for ah), repetition that describes a person

Diaphora is Greek for "distinction" or "difference." It names a kind of person with a repeated word. ("Boys will be boys.")

In ancient Greece, by the way, idiot meant non-voter. Would America be led more competently if we had fewer idiots?

Snappy Answer: "It shouldn’t be hard to find one."

Got a snappier answer? Email Figaro.

Update on Thursday, September 8, 2005 at 08:52AM by Figaro

Thanks to Sherry Chester for the quote.  If you find something that needs figuring, don't hesitate to email me.  --Fig.

And Not a Single Complaint from the Deceased

Quote: "You know I talked to Haley Barbour, the governor of Mississippi yesterday because some people were saying, 'Well, if you hadn't sent your National Guard to Iraq, we here in Mississippi would be better off.' He told me, 'I've been out in the field every single day, hour, for four days and no one, not one single mention of the word Iraq.'" Former President George H.W. Bush, speaking to Larry King

Term: ignoratio elenchi (ig noh ROT ee oh ay LEN chee), the fallacy of proving the wrong conclusion

Because those Mississippians who talked to the governor didn't mention Iraq, does it prove that the state didn't suffer from the lack of troops? No. It proves only that the people of Mississippi may have had other things on their minds than the war in Iraq like, oh, surviving. Bush the Elder commits a classic fallacy, ignoratio elenchi, in which the argument is irrelevant to the conclusion.

Snappy Answer: "Did you hear any mention of the word 'HELP!!!'?"