Testing Uber Alles

Quote:  "The notion of a single exam implies there are national standards, and that implies a national curriculum. Then we are on the way to a centralized Prussian education system." David Warren, president of the National Association of Independent Colleges, in the New York Times.

Figure of Speech:  Slippery Slope, the fallacy of dire consequences.

A presidential commission has recommended standardized tests for college students, similar to the national exams that torture high schoolers.  David Warren's response  -- a dark vision of a goose-stepping educational future -- constitutes a perfect Slippery Slope.  The fallacy assumes that a decision will lead to disaster.

Gun nuts love the Slippery Slope.  Ban bazookas, and pretty soon feds in black helicopters will be targeting innocent quail hunters!  It's a rhetorical fallacy because it assumes that precedence dictates everything, that people are incapable of making one rational choice at a time.

Not that Figaro would want to be tested himself.  The results wouldn't be pretty.

Snappy Answer:  "As a Prussian-American, I am offended by that ethnic slur."

Dude, Your Megaphone Could Get Smaller.

Quote:  "Our megaphone is just not as large as their megaphone, and we have a harder time getting that message out, even when people are on the same page." John Kerry, in the New York Times.

Figure of Speech:  catachresis (cat a KREE sis), the metaphor gone wild.

John Kerry sums up the Democrats' problem in a catachresis (Greek for "misuse"), the ridiculous or mixed metaphor.

The quote renders a vivid image of self-pitying hand-wringers who try to read a message on a fluttering page.  They take turns reading the message on their little megaphone, and sadly, heartbreakingly, no one is listening.

Snappy Answer:  "The problem isn't the megaphone. It's what's on that page."

Don’t You Think the Movie Is Long Enough?

Quote:  "It could be like this, just like this, always."  Jack Twist, Jake Gyllenhaal's character in "Brokeback Mountain."

Figure of Speech: diacope (die a CO pee), the interrupted repetition.

The diacope (Greek for "split") repeats a word or phrase with an interrupting word or phrase in between ("Kumbaya, Oh Lord, kumbaya").  The interruption, "like this, just like this" adds emphasis and if done right, just right, rhythm.

Snappy Answer:  "A few more years without sun block, and the only one who'll look at you is your horse -- maybe your horse."

And This Champagne Is a Sobering Experience

Quote:  "It's a very humbling experience right now."  Pittsburgh Steelers Coach Bill Cowher.

Figure of Speech:  paenismus (pain IS mus), the figure of joy.

How does Coach Cowher feel after winning a Super Bowl?  Humbled.  Translation:  "I'm king of the world! And modest too!"

Cowher crows a paenismus (Greek for "hymn"), the figurative ode to joy.   You use a paenismus to "thank your blessings," as President Bush put it.

You might call this increasingly common expression -- often ejaculated by triumphant, testosteronal men -- as an oxymoron.  But an oxymoron is a deliberate paradox and an attempt at wit.  Cowher's quote is far from witty.

Snappy Answer:  "Give that man a Gatorade bath, stat."

Cozy But Ethical. What’s There Not to Like?

Quote:  "Yes, I am cozy with lobbyists, but I have never done anything unethical." New House majority leader John Boehner, in the Washington Post.

Figure of Speech:  concessio (con SESS io), the jiu-jitsu figure.

Figaro couldn't be more pleased! A figure of speech just became the most powerful congressman on K Street.  (We hear there may be something called a Speaker, but that's probably just a Washington rumor.)

In an upset vote, House Republicans chose Boehner, a reform candidate who won't kowtow to special interests. That's because he is a special interest. The perma-tanned pol, whose cozy Florida beach parties amuse the Gucci Gulch crowd, once handed out checks from the tobacco lobby on the House floor.

While campaigning for his new job, Boehner used a concessio (Latin for "concession"; the Greek term is paromologia), a figure that admits a point and uses it to make a stronger one.

While fellow Figaroans note that Boehner pronounces it "BAY ner," we prefer boner. We trust that the majority leader will use it liberally -- er, often.

Snappy Answer:  "With reformers like you, who needs special prosecutors?"

Lobbyists Pay Taxes Too, Sometimes.

Quote:  "American taxpayers, and anyone concerned with the nation's long-term fiscal stability, have won a great victory today." House Republican Conference Chairman Deborah Pryce (Ohio).

Figure of Speech:  bomphiologia (bom phi o LO gia), the chest-beating figure.

The House took a bold step, passing by 216-214 a bill that slashes spending by almost one half of one percent.  Pryce celebrates with a bomphiologia (Greek for "booming language"), a figure that brags with big words.  By "American taxpayers," of course, she means "the House leadership."

Having done their bit for long-term fiscal stability, Tom DeLay's successors began negotiations with the Senate over $60 billion in tax cuts -- a measure that, combined with yesterday's bill, will add a net $16 billion to the deficit.

Now, that will be a great victory.

Snappy Answer: "Which American taxpayers?"