Just Say No

Quote:  "America is addicted to oil..."  President Bush.

Figure of Speech:  prosopopoeia (pro so po PEE a), the figure of personification.

The most striking passage in an otherwise unremarkable State of the Union address personifies the country as an addict.  The technical term for this device of turning a thing into a character is prosopopoeia -- Greek for "to make a person."

Bush's cure for this addiction is the energy version of methadone: alternative energy.  What did he say about abstinence? Not a word.

That's what we love about America.  We can find a pill for everything.

Snappy Answer:  "Not me.  I'm a beer man."

Plus He Supported an Armed Insurrection.

Quote:  "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."  Benjamin Franklin.

Figure of Speech:  enantiosis (en an tee OH sis), the paradoxical contrast.

The enantiosis (Greek for "opposite") holds two similar thoughts side by side and shows how they differ.

Franklin, a secular humanist with a liberal agenda who opposed domestic spying, turns 300 this year.  He was a traitor.

Snappy Answer:  "That … is irresponsible, and it endangers the lives of our citizens." George W. Bush, December 17.

And the Lord Did Smite Them with Fallacies.

Quote:  "You turn this nation over to the fags and our soldiers come home in body bags." Shirley Phelps-Roper.

Figure of Speech:  post hoc ergo propter hoc, the Chanticleer Fallacy.

The Allegedly Reverend Fred Phelps leads his Baptist flock from Topeka, Kansas, on "love crusades" to funerals of soldiers killed in Iraq.  They carry signs claiming the deaths are God's punishment for tolerating gays.  None of the dead soldiers were gay; but God, unlike Phelps, apparently doesn't discriminate.

His daughter Shirley's jingling quote sums up the church's big fat logical fallacy, post hoc ergo propter hoc (after this, therefore because of this).  A happened after B.  Therefore A caused B.

I call it the Chanticleer Fallacy, after the rooster who thought his crowing made the sun come up.

Snappy Answer:  "Are you calling Congress and the President of the United States fags?"

Congrats on Your Successful Election, Terrorists!

Quote: "So the Palestinians had an election yesterday, the results of which remind me about the power of democracy." President Bush.

Figure of Speech: boner (BOEH-ner), the figure of unintended irony.

Not all figures work in your favor. Unintended irony is so prevalent that we actually had to name one ourselves. (We originally spelled it Boehner, to honor the great unintentionally ironic Member of Congress, but decided to simplify the spelling.)

Bush's boner comes after the administration spent $500 million to prop up the corrupt Palestinian regime, only to see voters throw the bums out and replace them with a group of terrorists.

That's the trouble with democracy. It won't do as it's told.

Snappy Answer: "They should follow America's example: become less democratic."

The Liberals Certainly Are Copulatio

Quote: "It is amazing to me. Not only are the Democrats not learning from costly policy mistakes, they are not learning what happened from the political mistakes of 2002 and 2004." Republican National Committee Chairman Ken Mehlman in the Washington Post.

Figure of Speech: dirimens copulatio (DIR-i-mens cop-u-LAT-io), the but - wait -there’s - more figure.

The Republicans have discovered to their delight that spying on Americans actually works in their favor, because it makes Democrats look soft on terrorism. The pansies. Ken Mehlmen expresses his good luck with a dirimens copulatio, a figure that tops one assertion with another.

A question for the Democrats: Are conservatives all that brave when they grant unprecedented power to a secretive commander in chief in hopes that he'll keep us safe? How about a slogan along the lines of: "Take Courage Not Cover"?

Oh, wait. Dems aren't supposed to have backbones.

Snappy Answer: "You expect Howard Dean to learn something?"

I Fought the Law and the Law Lost

Quote: "If I wanted to break the law, why was I briefing Congress?" George Bush.

Figure of Speech: ratiocinatio (ra tio cin AT io), reasoning with questions.

Bush justifies government spying on Americans making overseas phone calls, saying that Congress gave him the implied power. In a speech at Kansas State, he makes that case with a neat ratiocinatio (Latin for "reasoning through questions"). It's the if - you're - so - smart - why - ain't - you - rich kind of logic.

Of course, a president is just as likely to brief Congress while breaking the law as while obeying it. The White House requested language granting it the powers Bush says he has, and Congress turned it down.

Snappy Answer: "For the same reason you're briefing us?"