Enough Christian Things for Now, Thanks.

Quote:  "He's done wonderful things for the economy. He rescued people who needed help in Iraq -- it was the Christian thing to do. I still trust his people and the people he picks for the Supreme Court." Gloria Bloecher, a Republican from Sherman, Texas, speaking of President Bush in the Associated Press.

Figure of Speech:  paradiastole (pa ra die ASS toh lee), the label flip.

Alas for Bush, only 20 percent of Americans agree that Bush is doing a great job. But thank the Lord for Gloria Bloecher, who helps him out with a paradiastole -- a figure that turns a person’s liabilities into assets.

• Stagnant payrolls, struggling middle class, China holds our mortgage:  "Wonderful things for the economy."
• Quagmire in Iraq: Christian rescue.
• Harriet Miers, Scooter Libby:  Trust his hires.

See how it works, Democrats?  You're not indecisive whiners.   You're thoughtful!

Snappy Answer:  "And that all adds up to an ownership society!"

What Do We Want? Answers! When Do We Want Them? Now!

Quote:  "What makes the muskrat guard his musk?  Courage."  Cowardly Lion in "The Wizard of Oz."

Figure of speech:  hypophora (hie PAH for ah), the self-answering question.

The hypophora is useful for speeches and anti-war protests.  It's also great for informal writing.  But take care not to use it too much in daily conversation.  ("Did you let me go to the party last weekend?  No!  Did you let me go to New York by myself? No!")  It could get you grounded, rhetorically speaking.

Snappy Answer:  "What makes the political advisor continue to give political advice? Gall!"

Plus She’s Biased: Most of Her Arrests Are Men

Quote:  "I wanna set the record straight.  I thought the cop was a prostitute." Homer Simpson.

Figure of Speech:  dicaeologia (die kay oh LOW gia), the figure of excuse.

The dicaeologia (Greek for "a plea in defense") offers a compelling excuse in the briefest possible space.  It's best to plead necessity.  But in Homer's case, we'll accept confusion.

Snappy Answer:  "Oh, that explains everything."

Open Wide and Say “Scandal”

Quote:  "Five lawyers I’ve consulted all agree that there is no compelling legal reason why you should not discuss the situation." New York Times columnist Nick Kristof, urging Dick Cheney to talk about the leak investigation.

Figure of Speech:  paradigm (PAR ah dime), argument from example.

The paradigm is a premise proved by examples -- a form of inductive logic. Kristof's paradigm sounds like he’s selling toothpaste:  "Five out of five lawyers recommend Come Clean, the character polisher that removes ethical stains!"

Somehow we doubt the pitch will work on the veep's firmly shut mouth.

Snappy Answer:  "One out of one Cheney lawyer disagrees."

Does Calling Him “Scalito” Make Him the First Hispanic Nominee?

Quote:  "Scalito."  Nickname given new Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito by the press.

Figure of Speech:  meiosis (mie OH sis), the shrinking figure.

Isn't the middle-aged male pro-life jurist whose last name ends in a vowel seat taken already? Antonin Scalia fills that slot nicely, thank you very much.

No, no, no, say Samuel Alito's backers.  He's different from Scalia.  For one thing, Sammy's a nice guy.  Nonetheless, the media affectionately give him a meiosis, a figure that belittles a person or thing:  "Scalito," or "Scalia Lite."

With compassionate conservatives like him, who needs liberals?

Snappy Answer:  "I thought Bush opposed affirmative action."

You’re Definitely in the Minority, Senator

Quote:  "I think the President should look across the country and find the most qualified man, woman, or minority."  Senator Trent Lott, after the White House withdrew Harriet Miers' nomination for the Supreme Court.

Figure of Speech:  solecism (SOL eh sizm), the figure of ignorance.

We're not sure which minority Lott is thinking of (Democrats?), but most of the minorities we know comprise men and women.  That makes Senator Lott's statement a solecism -- from the Latin solecismus, "speaking incorrectly."

While any sort of mistake in grammar or syntax can qualify as one, the purest solecism combines bad language with bad logic.  Congratulations, Senator.

Snappy Answer:  "We'd choose a man or a woman. Anyone else would get Miered."